The ancient custom of kidnapping a chosen one is very popular in the Caucasus. It is difficult for a modern civilized person to understand and accept this fact. Civil authorities, spiritual leaders, elders, on the one hand, are in favor of abandoning the ancient heritage of the highlanders, on the other hand, the theft of the bride they like in the Caucasus is again gaining popularity among young people. What is it like to marry a person whom you often haven’t even met? How do stories like this end? Let's try to understand the intricacies of a Caucasian wedding.
In what cases does bride kidnapping occur?
The history of the origin of the tradition is as old as the world. According to chronicles and historical treatises, the Slavic peoples, the ancient Romans, and the peoples of the East have long chosen their soul mate in this way. This is also confirmed by the biblical book of Judges, which tells of the renewal of the Benjaminite family through the abduction of the maidens of Israel. But, let's leave the affairs of bygone days.
With the development of society, the progress of social and cultural life, women received equal rights with men. But a number of customs and traditions remained the same. How good or bad they are is difficult to judge. Become the wife of a stranger on someone's whim? Or maybe out of great love? Many consider this “practice” to be criminal, and the custom itself – barbaric. Oddly enough, the peoples of the Caucasus, both men and women, support accepted traditions. In what cases do guys resort to bride kidnapping in the Caucasus?
- As a way to solve financial problems: kidnapping in the Caucasus allows you to solve the issue of paying bride price to parents for their daughter.
- The social status of the groom is much lower than that of the chosen one. Realizing that the girl’s family will not consent to the marriage, the bride is kidnapped.
- A very common option: the future bride liked it. The chosen one is often unaware of the plans of her future spouse. This method of gaining a girl’s favor does not always end sadly: love and harmony reign in many families in the Caucasus.
- The most pleasant case for both parties is by mutual agreement. When a girl and a guy love each other, but, due to certain circumstances, cannot get married. The reasons may be varied:
- A young guy and a girl are attracted to each other, but their families are opposed to this marriage. The theft of a chosen one in the Caucasus in this case is a tribute to tradition.
- When a girl's family insists on marrying an unloved person, while her heart is given to someone else. A true horseman will not allow his chosen one to suffer in a hateful marriage and will kidnap his beloved, and the parents will be forced to agree with their daughter’s choice.
The accepted customs of the peoples of the Caucasus are difficult to consider separately from existing historical traditions. Many girls believe that only through abduction do true Caucasians emphasize the strength of their feelings and the seriousness of their intentions. Young guys, in turn, come to the conclusion that it is better to meet the girl of their dreams who shows them favor than to live with a person who secretly hates their spouse.
“Working only with boys has more prospects”
It seems to me that I have been a feminist since childhood. When I watched how women served men, I thought: he is the same person as her, why should she serve him, why does he never serve her? Why are women not allowed to do many things, but men can? What are the differences between them? These things were incomprehensible to me. So I lived with these thoughts, but I tried to fit into the patriarchy, because my family, school, and society put pressure on me.
Women in Chechnya and Ingushetia are allowed ridiculously little by society. Take sports: only private women's gyms. Parents practically do not allow girls to join clubs and sections. I read studies according to which in Ingushetia, because of these bans, there are huge problems with women’s health and the lowest rate of sports participation among women: father is against, brother is against, husband is against... It seems to me that they are afraid of losing control. They are afraid that women will have their own voice, their own resource, which will give them strength. After all, if women become stronger, they will have to do something about it.
Of course, there is a tiny percentage of girls who, at the cost of monstrous efforts, overcome this barrier. For example, eight-time world champion in kickboxing Fatima Bokova is Ingush. But she does not enjoy the same authority and respect among the people as male athletes. When you have already made your region famous, breaking through the resistance of your family and society, you can really get recognition. But it’s 50/50. Many people have a negative attitude towards such girls.
There was a famous climber Leila Albogachieva, who conquered Everest twice. When she died, once again climbing Elbrus, her fellow countrymen said that she was to blame and condemned her occupation. If it were a man, there would probably be more sympathy.
It’s the same in regular schools: if a girl wins some kind of republican Olympiad and she has to go to the All-Russian Olympiad, her relatives forbid it. Parents are not interested in their daughters' success, even if teachers persuade them. One friend who works as a teacher at a school complained to me: her students reached the All-Russian level, but their parents refused to go to Moscow, no matter how much they begged them. In the end, she decided that she would work only with boys - there were more prospects.
Schoolchildren during the last bell in the village of Akhmat-Yurt
Photo: Said Tsarnaev / RIA Novosti
Description of the bride kidnapping process
How does the process of kidnapping the chosen one take place? Help in stealing a girl in the Caucasus is usually provided by the groom's family, parents, and friends. Ancient legends say that a true horseman kidnaps his future wife on a horse, throws her over the saddle and takes her away in an unknown direction. Currently, the role of a horse is played by an iron horse - a car. Having chosen the right moment, when the girl is left alone, a car drives up to her, the doors open and one or more young men kidnap the bride, hiding in the car from the scene.
Then the girl is hidden at the house of the groom's parents, forced to spend the night there. After all, according to the traditions of eastern peoples, if an unmarried woman did not come home to spend the night, she is considered disgraced. Her further personal fate is very difficult - no one would want to choose an “unclean” bride as a wife. So the kidnapped girls have to agree to get married so as not to disgrace their family. One of the ways to save honor and avoid marriage for a girl is the following custom: to escape from custody before dawn.
After spending the night under the same roof with the kidnapper, the chosen one makes a choice: agrees to marry or flatly refuses, which can lead to inciting hostility between families. Having a sexual connection that night is not decisive. After giving consent to the wedding, the bride and groom go to her parents to ask for blessings. The latter, according to tradition, deny it to the young. After the birth of their first child, the parents change their minds and accept their son-in-law into the family.
The official position of religious leaders and elders of the Caucasus is that bride kidnapping is not a method for creating a family. The negative mental state of a kidnapped girl, often very young, can lead to irreparable consequences, including suicide. Legislation also protects the interests of women. Based on the parents' appeal, a criminal case is opened against the kidnapper. If in the future the family of the kidnapped woman withdraws the complaint about the theft, resolving everything amicably, and the girl agrees to the marriage, the legal claims are dropped.
Quest script for a wedding
Quest is an original and exciting way to entertain guests
Do you want to know at what wedding stages it can be organized? Then take a look at the list below:
- Quest as a scenario for bride ransom. An excellent opportunity to start getting acquainted with guests is to arrange a quest for the groom with a witness and everyone go together to find the bride. The game will set a good tone and mood for the celebration.
- Wedding walk. During the newlyweds' photo shoot, guests don't have to be bored on the sidelines. Let the bride and groom take pictures, and the guests will be involved in the exciting action. You can spend your free time in an exciting competition or get by with solving riddles. There are many ideas for entertaining guests - it all depends on your preferences.
- Banquet. This could be a quest - searching for a kidnapped bride, a stolen shoe, or a quest instead of the traditional bouquet throwing. If you wish, you can build the entire wedding in a quest format.
- The next day. All the solemn moments of the wedding are over, so the script for the second day of the wedding may well include some kind of active quest for guests or newlyweds.
Possible endings for such stories
Many young guys, deciding to kidnap a bride, are unaware of the possible consequences. It’s great when this method of creating a family ends in a happy marriage. It is much more deplorable if a young girl is forced to submit to the will of the kidnapper by marrying him. There are not many options for future life: either “endure it and fall in love” or the unhappy woman will quietly hate her husband all her life. There are worse cases when a hot guy from the Caucasus, having “played enough”, loses interest in his chosen one. What are the consequences of the custom of bride kidnapping?
Happy End
Experiencing tender feelings for a young man, a Caucasian beauty may not be able to marry him for various reasons: family objections, an unmarried older sister, inconsistency in the position of the bride and groom. Then, the kidnapping of the bride often ends with a happy ending: the young people get married as if against the will of the bride’s parents, but after the birth of the child, having again asked for blessings, they receive forgiveness. The theft incident remains in the past; the young family, according to customs, is recognized as the girl’s parents.
Shame of the bride and enmity between clans
The traditions of kidnapping involve keeping brides for at least one night in the house of the kidnapper or relatives. All this time, the chosen one is persuaded to marry the kidnapper, demonstrating his special qualities: courage, wealth, position in society. There are often cases when several days of persuasion pass, and the girl refuses. Then the parents take the girl home, not paying attention to prejudices. Sometimes the groom himself lets the rebellious bride go home, preferring to find someone less obstinate.
Kidnapping daughters is a shame and disrespect for the bride's family. The result is family feud between clans, leading to bloody showdowns and revenge. Those directly involved in the events are experiencing what is happening most difficultly, solving a difficult dilemma: marry an unloved guy or shame for the rest of their lives. Young girls do not want to become the cause of tribal hatred and enmity. So they are forced to get married. It is wonderful if the husband turns out to be a kind man who, over time, will win the love and tenderness of his wife.
Criminal prosecution
The authorities and spiritual leaders of the Caucasus are trying to influence the situation: according to the laws of the state, according to Sharia law, bride kidnapping, psychological violence, especially physical violence, are unacceptable. The Criminal Code provides for articles for kidnapping. The girls' relatives file a complaint with the police, and the kidnapper and his accomplices, if there is evidence, face arrest and imprisonment for a term of 5 to 15 years.
Where's the groom?
For those who come to a traditional Karachai wedding for the first time, the biggest strange thing is the absence of the groom. If the celebration takes place at home, then the groom and friends are sitting at this time in another house nearby - with neighbors or a close friend. If, as has now become fashionable, the wedding takes place in a restaurant, then the newlywed and friends celebrate in a separate room.
— The tradition also came from the distant past, when a young man was not allowed to appear at his own wedding. This is both a rite of protection - in European culture they would say “so as not to jinx it”, and an element of military democracy - after the wedding night, the young husband went on a hike to become a man. Therefore, during the wedding, which lasted up to seven days, the groom lived with younger relatives on his father’s side,” says Harun Akbaev.
Photo: Elizaveta Dyakova @daliz_photo
The bride, as in the old days, sits throughout the entire holiday in the corner of the living room (or at a separate table in a restaurant) while the young people dance and have fun. Whenever a new guest appears or a toast is made, she must stand up, thus expressing respect for the newcomer or speaker. The bride is supposed to show modesty: speak quietly, smile reservedly and lower her gaze. Laughter, chatter, and noticeable cheerfulness on the part of the bride will cause bewilderment and condemnation of the guests. While the wedding is going on, the bride's brothers and a married relative (the wife of a brother or uncle) are always with her, serving her.
Guests from the bride's side are given special honor and attention at the wedding. But the parents of the newlywed are traditionally absent from the celebration. True, in recent years they have begun to move away from the custom - the bride’s parents also appear in the restaurant.
“When I came to a friend’s wedding, at first I didn’t understand anything: the bride was sitting without a groom. We congratulated her. In response to a reasonable question: “Where is the groom?” I was taken to the second floor of the restaurant, and my wife and daughter were asked to stay in the common room. Throughout the wedding we sat in a purely male company, and if not for the content of the toasts, one would have thought that this was an ordinary feast. My wife says that it was more interesting downstairs: artists performed, guests danced. Gifts were distributed to everyone present. The wife was given a set of towels, and the daughter collected a bunch of coins from those that were thrown on the bride’s head, which she was terribly pleased with...” (Sergei).
Cases when theft is justified
It is possible to justify the abduction of a young beauty in the Caucasus in certain cases:
- When a bride is kidnapped with her consent. Failure of parents to accept the bride/groom or differences in social status is not a reason to separate lovers. Bride kidnapping in this case is a necessary measure.
- When there are unmarried older sisters in a family, the younger ones wait for their turn to get married. Then the “performance” of kidnapping the youngest is performed in order to observe ancient customs and traditions. Often this does not happen with the consent of the bride’s parents, but with their direct participation.
Video: kidnapping a bride in national costumes
How to have a wedding in the best traditions of the East? Observance of ancient customs for modern youth of the Caucasus is often a tribute to their ancestors. In megalopolises and large cities, young people perceive the abduction of their beloved girl as a theatrical performance. Flags of a family or clan on the hood of a car symbolize purity of intentions, and theft becomes proof of the seriousness of the feelings of Caucasians. The chosen one is happy, because for her sake the young man decided to kidnap him. How does bride kidnapping by mutual consent occur in the Caucasus? Watch our video.
“Mom was very offended”
Once a relative gave me a computer game - I really loved playing them. Soon a parent meeting was held at school, and my mother was told: “Why does she need a computer game, let her grow flowers!” After all, she’s a woman, she’s getting married soon, let her learn housekeeping!” Mom came home, took the toy from me and sold it. I cried for three days.
I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. She thought that I would be the same victim for her as she was for her mother. She married against her will and thought that she would break me the same way. She invited guys to the show. I decided that if they liked me, they would start putting pressure on me. So, you have to dislike them. And I entered into arguments, defended my opinion in the conversation. Suitors rejected me. Mom was very offended. She made a fuss, scolded and beat me. I endured it, telling myself: I need to get over this and firmly make it clear to everyone that I will not get married. You have to wait a year, and they will fall behind. It was a kind of confrontation: who could stand it more. And they fell behind.
When the time came to go to college, my family was against me leaving for a long time. I received my first education at a local university in the Caucasus. But after several courses I asked to go abroad, where there were relatives. In my first year there, I found a job and continued my education at the same time. Everything worked out, even though my relatives were against continuing my education because “I had to get married.”
I tried to become “correct” both by traditional standards and by Muslim ones, but I still can’t. And I decided that I would be myself.
Bride during a mass wedding in Grozny
Photo: Musa Sadulayev / AP
