“What the sheet will show.” How ancient wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women

“What the sheet will show.” How ancient wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women: UGC

“When after the wedding he began to undress in front of me, I was scared,” Elmira (name changed at the request of the heroine) recalls her first wedding night. “And no matter how much I thought that I was already married and this was going to happen, it didn’t calm me down at all - I just knew that right now I also had to undress.”

At that time, Elmira was 27 years old, she graduated from university and worked as a translator. Her parents chose her husband. She agreed to marry him to “please her mother.”

“He was just our neighbor, we had different views, he had no education, we had nothing in common,” she recalls. “My brothers introduced me to him and said that he was a good guy. Mom was happy that, having married a neighbor, I would be in her sight all the time.”

Several times Elmira told her mother that she did not want to start a family now. The mother told her relatives about this, and they began to put pressure on her.

“And I was already 27, and they began to suspect that suddenly I was not a virgin, since I didn’t want to get married,” she says.

But sex on their wedding night was Elmira’s first. Knowing this, her husband was not at all interested in her well-being, she says. He simply leaned on her, and when her head began to hit the closet, a knock and a woman’s shout was heard from the next room: “Hey, be quiet there, what a lack of culture!”

At that moment, Elmira’s mother, two aunts, mother-in-law and another distant relative (the one who knocked and shouted) were sitting outside the door - people traditionally necessary to assure the “act of love” and the bride’s virginity.

“Every sound could be heard,” recalls Elmira. “I was shaking all over with pain and shame and wondered if this was really marriage.”

That same distant relative played the role of “enga” - a married woman who immediately after the wedding goes home to the newlyweds to sit in the next room all night. One of her duties is consultation, since the bride is considered to be a priori ignorant of sex, and therefore has the right to run out of the bedroom to ask for advice from an older and experienced woman.

Another duty of the yengi is to pick up the sheets from the newlyweds' bed.

“The wedding night is shrouded in mysticism”

Demonstration of bed linen the morning after the wedding is a tradition characteristic of many peoples of the Caucasus. Traces of blood on it serve as confirmation of a sexual relationship for relatives. Having seen such “evidence”, relatives congratulate the newlyweds, and only after this the marriage is considered truly completed.

“So the wedding night is often shrouded in mysticism—what the sheet will reveal in the morning,” says Shahla Ismail, a women’s rights researcher in Azerbaijan. “And when the next morning the sheet is shown to relatives, everyone considers it their duty to comment on what they saw.”

If there is no blood on the sheet, the girl can be kicked out and returned to her parents as “defective.” After this, she is considered a “divorcee” - it is often difficult for her to remarry, and she may be bullied in her parents’ home.

“What the sheet will show.” How ancient wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women: UGC

Azerbaijani human rights activists say that the tradition of witnessing the first wedding night and presenting the sheet is widespread mainly outside large cities.

Sometimes before the wedding, a girl is tested for her virginity by “specialists” - using a gynecological procedure, the effectiveness of which is questioned by leading international organizations.

Last fall, the UN and WHO called for an end to the practice, which persists in at least 20 countries, calling it traumatic and humiliating for women.

As noted in the statement, the concept of virginity does not exist in medicine and is only a social, cultural and religious concept.

Traditional wedding dresses

Increasingly, Uzbek brides prefer to wear European dresses to their weddings, but there are still families who are faithful to national traditions. The wedding outfit is sewn from a special silk fabric, and a velvet Uzbek camisole is put on top of it, which should be distinguished by rich hand-embroidery with gold threads. The bride wears a large number of jewelry - rings, bracelets and so on. Uzbeks believe that this will protect her from the evil eye.

The bride's outfit must include a tiplya-kosh. This is an Uzbek headdress, a bit like a kokoshnik, decorated with luxurious embroidery and ringing pendants. When the bride comes out to the groom, a wide cloth is held over her, which is a symbol of patronage.

There is a tradition according to which the bride's parents must buy wedding clothes for the groom. The wedding attire of the future husband is colorful and rich.

“The horror overshadowed any shame”

For Elmira, the feelings associated with her wedding night are fear, pain and shame. She heard the lights being turned on and off outside the door and tea being poured; she knew that she and her husband in the other room could also be heard.

“I wasn’t myself and was just afraid to say anything,” she recalls. “I didn’t sleep all night, but he didn’t care, so he fell asleep peacefully.”

In the morning, the “witnesses” went into the bedroom to pick up the sheet.

“By that time I didn’t care anymore, I understood in my mind how disgusting it all was, but what happened at night, this horror, it overshadowed any shame,” says Elmira. — When a woman gives birth, she doesn’t care whether the gynecologist is a man or a woman. It’s the same here - I knew that everyone would look at this sheet, but I was in such shock that I don’t even remember how it was taken away.”

The tradition of witnesses and sheets is becoming more and more traumatic for women over the years, notes psychologist Ellada Gorina.

In the modern world, where more and more people are getting married later and by the time they get married, as a rule, already have an idea about sex, relatives sitting in the next room no longer need to advise the newlyweds, and their role is reduced to verifying the bride’s virginity.

“Until now, for many women, yengya is the norm. In their picture of the world, this is neither good nor bad; in the world where they were born and raised, it was not different,” says Gorina. “Traumatization, conflict and distress occur when new generations of people develop in conditions of greater enlightenment [than their parents].”

“What the sheet will show.”
How the ancient wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women: UGC Nigar, who used to live in the north of Azerbaijan, recalls that during her wedding night there were not one or two “consultants” crowded into the next room, but “the whole village.”

“I’ve never been so ashamed, but I thought that since it’s customary, perhaps the elders know better,” she says.

According to Nigar, neither she nor her husband had any desire to have sex, because they could hear people “sitting, moving chairs, breathing” outside the door. The next morning they also had to show the sheet.

Then Nigar was 18, now she is just over 30, she is divorced, lives in Baku, and calls her relatives “perverts.”

However, not everyone is able to start a new life, and because of the position of women in patriarchal societies, it is very difficult to change established orders.

“It happens that a woman and her husband talk about this [the wedding night], sometimes she is afraid to even open her mouth, and hopes that her husband will begin to behave differently,” says Ellada Gorina. “Here we come to the topic of gender inequality, when women are in an oppressed state.”

Choosing a future wife

Any guy first of all evaluates a girl’s appearance. And his parents are making inquiries about her and her family. And if they are not satisfied with something about the girl chosen by their son, then they immediately tell the young man about it. Of course, the guy will always listen to the opinions of his family, because they won’t give bad advice.

If the chosen one is approved by the parents, the groom asks one of his relatives to find out as much information about her as possible. The named matchmaker makes inquiries not only to the bride herself, but also to her family. Particular attention is paid to the girl’s financial situation; it is used to judge whether the groom will be able to satisfy the needs of his future wife.

The girl's qualities are revealed:

• How does she behave in public, is she modest.
• How economical she is.
• Culinary skills are assessed.
• Health status.
• Education.

The most interesting thing is that the age of the intended bride does not matter. According to the customs of Azerbaijani weddings, a girl can be married off at the age of 14. After the initial stages have been settled, one of the relatives is sent to the girl’s house. If consent is received, then they move on to matchmaking.

"Red Apple"

There is a tradition associated with the sheet in Armenia, Azerbaijan, and sometimes found in Georgia and some republics of the North Caucasus.

The Armenian custom is similar to the Azerbaijani one, except that there are no witnesses outside the door. It's called "red apple" - a subtle reference to blood stains on linen. The tradition here is also observed mainly outside of Yerevan.

“The farther from the capital, the “sicker the patient” and the greater the resistance, sometimes reaching fanaticism,” says Nina Karapetyants, chairwoman of the Helsinki Association for Human Rights in Armenia.

She recalls cases when, the morning after the first wedding night, relatives and neighbors came to the newlyweds’ bedroom to check the sheets, and then sent baskets with red apples and gifts to the bride’s house. After this, the bride’s relatives could invite their relatives and neighbors and prove that their daughter was “pure and chaste.”

“Thus, half the city, and in the villages the entire village, took part in the ritual of humiliation,” says Karapetyants.

In villages, girls are often married off as soon as they turn 18, and many have neither a profession nor a job. If such a girl does not pass the “apple test,” her parents may abandon her.

“What the sheet will show.” How ancient wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women: UGC

35-year-old Ani (name changed at the request of the heroine) met her future husband at a party when they were in their early 20s.

Despite the fact that both have higher education, they live in Yerevan and married for love, they denied themselves sex before the wedding - so as not to raise questions from conservative relatives.

“I was sitting having breakfast in the kitchen - my mother-in-law and women from my husband’s side, aunts, grannies and a couple of close neighbors came,” she recalls the morning after the wedding. “So I sat in another room while the “delegation” did the check.” According to Anya, that morning she rather felt relieved, because now she could live her life without fear of gossip behind her back.

Greeting the bride

The wedding ceremonies are not over yet. On the third day after the wedding, relatives come to visit the young wife. The newlywed must bow deeply to each person who comes, and in return she receives gifts. There is a custom of giving what is needed in family life - furniture, appliances, utensils, carpets, jewelry. Once this tradition is followed, the bride begins to be considered part of the new family. Of course, such an event is sure to be celebrated with another feast! Uzbeks believe that observing all customs promises happiness in the family for young people.

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How did Armenian matchmaking work?

Matchmaking among Armenians is a tradition. But not all of them have survived to this day.

However, in ancient times it looked like this:

1. The bride was chosen by the groom's parents. The young man and girl were not given the right to choose a spouse.
2. The first meeting of the bride's parents took place with one of the groom's relatives. The latter agreed on the date of arrival of the matchmakers.
3. A relative of the groom, well known to both families, came to the first matchmaking ceremony. The bride's family greeted him with family warmth and respect. But according to tradition, they refused to marry off the bride.
4. Many relatives from the bride and groom’s side gathered for the second matchmaking. Since the second meeting was more significant, there were more treats. The groom's relatives were greeted with all honors and tried to show how much they appreciated their arrival. At this meeting, the bride's parents agreed to the union of the children.

Basic preparations for the wedding

After the engagement, both families gather to discuss all the necessary components of the future ceremony:

• Guest list.
• Menu on the table.
• Music, etc.

Usually, several months pass from engagement to wedding, because everything needs to be carefully planned and prepared. Also during this period, a number of other rituals are carried out, in which the girl is presented with unusual gifts by the groom’s relatives:

• Hand-sewn and embellished dresses.
• Red scarf;
• Decorations;
• Ram with henna-dyed horns.
• Henna dye for applying pre-wedding patterns on hands and feet.

The bride's dowry and belongings are also transported to the groom's house before the wedding. Then the bride's friends come to the groom's house to restore order and decorate the house. The girl’s mother-in-law rewards them for their efforts.

Another unusual ritual is the selection of the bride’s mentor “brocade bichini”, a few days before the wedding.

Engagement ceremony

The engagement ceremony also takes place in two stages:

• Small engagement.
• Big engagement.

The groom himself and his friends come to the small engagement party. The bride is in the company of two or three dozen friends. The groom's official representative puts the ring on the girl's finger, and he also covers the girl's head with a scarf.

Then he must eat half of any sweet served by the bride, and give the other half to the groom.

As soon as the ceremony is over, the bachelorette party begins, the girl’s friends shower her with congratulations and parting words, sitting at the sweet festive table. The small engagement takes place within a month after the matchmaking.

A couple of months later there is a big engagement party. This big event requires careful preparation, and not only relatives, but also friends and neighbors are invited to it. The groom's relatives can also provide the necessary food for the table. Only onions are not sent, being considered a bad omen symbolizing bitterness in family life.

Various necessary things are presented to the bride as gifts:

• Cloth;
• Decorations;
• Money;
• Dishes;
• Other utensils.

Gifts are usually given on silver trays if they are small. When large gifts are given, they are placed in chests and tied with a red ribbon.

The only gifts not given from relatives are shoes, which are later presented by the mother-in-law personally.