Good afternoon to my beloved readers!
How to choose your future husband so as not to make a mistake? And is it necessary to choose it at all? It’s the same with us: whoever she fell in love with is her husband, or whoever called first is the one she married. How can you choose someone if love hits you over the head? Or vice versa, why live with the right person if he doesn’t give you butterflies in your stomach?
But attraction and passion are one thing, but creating a strong family is quite another. A person may be suitable only for the first, but not for the second, and vice versa.
After 1-3 years, passionate attraction, which was on its own without our efforts, ALWAYS passes. And then you have two options: either look for a new man, or create true love and a great family with the person who is nearby and the father of your children. And to create this greatest love, you need a desire, which will not exist if your husband turns out to be completely different from the person you need. Therefore, it is better to choose in advance and literally forbid yourself to fall in love with unsuitable people.
You will have to spend your whole life with this person. Many are sure that they will easily get divorced if something goes wrong, but this does not always work out. Having children together changes everything a lot, and nothing will be “simple” anymore. In addition, there is no point in getting married if you initially accept divorce and are not determined that family is once and for all. It will turn out to be a frail little family. And in general, a breakup is always painful.
The stage of choosing a husband is the last one, when you look at a man’s shortcomings literally under a microscope. And the advantages just need to be kept in mind. After starting a family, everything is backwards: you will need to closely examine its advantages, but it is better to completely forget about its shortcomings. Well, or just take them into account so as not to demand from your husband something for which he is not fit.
In the selection process, it is harmful to consider only the advantages and hope that the shortcomings themselves will “resolve” after the wedding or the birth of a child. Alas, most girls do exactly this, and then suffer and get divorced. I think you don't need this.
How to wisely choose a man to live with and start a family? What pitfalls await you? Read this article until the end and I hope it will help you make the best possible choice in your life.
Mistake 1: meeting new people when you're empty-handed
Women who are strong, independent and active often forget to monitor their energy levels and realize that they are overtired only when “the tanks are already at zero and the car has stopped.”
It is at such a moment that men who are not typical for this woman begin to hover around. And when there is little strength, protective mechanisms and automatic filters, which have been formed over the years, weaken and do not perform their functions. As a result, those with whom in ordinary life she would not talk come into the field of communication. Hence the proliferation of holiday romances.
Mistake 8: Getting carried away ahead of time
If a man has passed all your filters, shows interest in you and says he is ready to start a family, this does not mean that he will propose to you. He can also take a closer look and decide whether you are suitable for him as a wife. And the main thing here is not to turn on the demonstration mode and not immediately begin to behave like an exemplary wife.
For what? After all, there was no offer yet. Demonstrate your advantages in a form that is accessible through friendly communication and flirting. Do not consider the gentleman a groom until he has called you his bride. And don’t open your heart ahead of time, so that it doesn’t hurt if he suddenly chooses another.
Mistake 10: Staying faithful until engagement
Often a girl, having received an invitation from one man, refuses to meet another, believing that she first needs to deal with one and only then get to know the other. This is fundamentally false if your interactions do not involve sex. Going through does not mean choosing, because with sequential acquaintance, at each moment in time you actually have no choice - there is only one suitor.
Therefore, it is better for yourself to immediately decide at what point you will introduce an exclusivity regime for a man, stop looking around and accepting invitations to dates. After first sex? Or after meeting your parents? Or after the proposal? And which of these will come first?
Remember that vows of allegiance are taken at the altar, not in bed, but social norms still frown upon women wandering into men's bedrooms.
What types of men are there?
I suggest looking at your partner with a sober, appraising glance. To avoid making a mistake in choosing your future, read the description of the types of men least suitable for the role of a spouse.
Lovelace
He will tell you little and nothing specific about himself, but he is interested in everything about you. Because the information you receive will help you make an impression. The conversation usually follows the principle of “adjustment”: he, like you, loves tea with bergamot and also reads Fet’s poems. Lovelace masterfully reduces the distance between bodies, creating the feeling that he is always nearby, although in fact, it will be difficult to catch him if only you need it. He is unlikely to get to the point of casting for the role of a husband: most likely, you will understand sooner that you are not the only one who brightens up his loneliness.
Major
This man will not spare any expense on you: if you want to go to a club, please, if you want to go to a concert of a mega-popular group, tickets for which cost an exorbitant amount, no problem. In such a relationship there are only two problems - a huge number of his “girlfriends” who behave very provocatively with him, and daddy, who, in fact, paid for your luxurious romantic date yesterday. So, most likely, the head of the family will choose a wife for his son, and it is unlikely to be you.
Tyrant
This one is just about to marry you. However, there will be too much of it. His negative answer determines whether you and your friends will go shopping today. What can he do? Yes, everything, of course! What should you do? Cook dinners and wash your beloved shirts! By the way, be careful when hanging out your laundry - what if some handsome guy passes under your balcony and you won’t be able to prove that you didn’t even notice him.
Sissy
Are you ready for the role of the second woman? Then boldly follow your mother’s son through life. Only if you have complaints against him, it is better to immediately express them to his mother in order to avoid the effect of a damaged phone. After all, he will still go to her for advice before giving you a worthy answer! But he is always cleanly dressed, there is not a single wrinkle on his shirts, and he is also very educated. Just be prepared that your every action will be accompanied by words or a silent reproach: “You don’t do things like your mother!”
Sole of company
You won't get bored with this man. Yesterday the skate park, today horse riding, tomorrow dinner on the roof, the day after tomorrow you go to his friends for a party. It's never boring with him. No one. It’s just that many people besides you need his attention, and he’s such a person - he can’t refuse anyone!
How to behave if a man refuses your proposed date?
Don't make a big deal about his refusal. Yes, most likely you are slightly offended and unpleasant, because you thought that he liked him - but it turned out that he did not. But don't dwell on this failure. The main thing is to move forward.
Mentally thank this man for refusing. In fact, this refusal has rid you of illusions. After all, if it weren’t for this situation, you would continue to waste your time on someone who doesn’t really like you or is simply not attractive enough to ask you out on a date. But now you clearly understand how he treats you, and you can move on with peace of mind.
By the way, refusal is sometimes not the final decision. A man could answer this way because of fatigue, a banal reluctance or inability to communicate (not related specifically to you), because of work difficulties or family problems. Perhaps he has some negative events going on in his life and is not in the mood for a romantic wave right now.
Can falling in love be peaceful?
The girl writes that she has certain ideas about relationships that she gleaned from the movies. But in real life, she herself does not experience such a flash, such special, unique feelings and experiences. The logic here is quite simple. If you talk about a meeting, about a boy and a girl getting to know each other for a long time, an hour and forty minutes will not be enough for you. So the plot is reduced to a quick, bright meeting and a whirlwind romance. It is very naive to think that cinema reflects some real history of human relationships in this regard - this happens, but rarely.
In life, everything happens very differently. Does love happen at first sight? Yes, sometimes. Is there love that appears when people have known each other for decades, and then suddenly, at some point, they see each other and form a wonderful family? It happens too. It happens that people walk and wander next to each other and cannot understand anything, but still get married, and then torment each other and eventually get divorced? It happens too. Yes, anything can happen! In principle, there cannot be any universal templates here. Just as every person is unique, relationships between people are always unique and inimitable.
Photo by Wyatt Fisher/Flickr/CC BY-SA 2.0
I recently served Sunday liturgy in church and at some point I realized that there was a place in the altar where a powerful resonance occurred during the reading of prayers. That is, I can speak quietly, but I will be perfectly audible. Literally three centimeters forward or backward - a completely different sound.
So, love can be compared to a state of very high resonance, when people are literally on the same wavelength . But the range is very narrow, and it is impossible to “fix” it; it must be constantly found.
Having experience in finding this range, two people will make every effort to return to it again and again.
Any sympathy, any attraction, any love is the first evidence of consonance, resonance. But we must understand that these relationships can further develop in completely different ways. They can be cultivated, or they can be neglected. We know a huge number of loves that ended in nothing or ended in tragedy. We know no less than a number of loves that grew into a happy marriage. That is, to say that falling in love is bad because it ends when there is nothing left of emotions is not true. It would also be untrue to say that a happy marriage is impossible without love. It can be both. Why? Because love is not a static state, but a dynamic one. We cannot somehow fix love, nail it down so that it does not twitch anywhere, does not run away anywhere. It requires nutrition, care, cultivation, education.
Uncultivated relationships inevitably end in disintegration - or a pathological state of codependency, where everyone just plays one role or another, but is not going to change.
When we talk about calm or troubled love (as the author of the letter asks about), we first of all describe the emotional background. When we talk about love, we are talking primarily about the volitional component rather than about experiences - we are talking about our readiness to love. That is, love is my will: I want to love this person. And this desire will inevitably change my heart, too. And even if a person does not have clearly expressed love, but he wants to have it, strives for it, I think, sooner or later his heart will begin to open. And here those two examples that we immediately pushed into the background will begin to work. They also have their own truth, but if you add a third element to this truth - finding yourself - and if all these three components begin to interact with each other, I think this will become a very good approach to solving the problem of how to find a husband or wife, how understand that you truly love.
When two young people meet, it is most often not about love as such, but about what we can offer to the other person. But for this, I repeat, we must understand ourselves what we are, what we have inside. After all, you cannot offer yourself to another person in the form of a bag, inside of which sits an unknown creature of an unknown color, and say: I guarantee you will like it. We must untie this bag, take out this creature, at least comb it, wash it and say: if you like it, take it; if you don’t like it, I’ll move on.
It seems to me that very often the problem of interpersonal relationships is not just that we offer each other tied bags with unknown creatures, but also that we have a dozen of such bags behind us and we think: well, who should we offer something to? ?
Here's a girl: yeah, she most likely needs the image of a self-confident, brutal person who will have this and that... So, this is bag number three - hold it. Someone will believe it, but then it turns out that what this person is and what he tried to appear to be are not at all the same thing.
So when I talk about finding yourself, I mean having an internal mindset of being extremely honest and open about who you are at the moment. Not who you are going to be someday, in 24 years, but who you are here and now. But this is very painful, because we live in a world of images and simulations and constantly create them as a means of protection, as a kind of armor that does not allow other people to get inside us, and for us to open up to them. Because the state of disclosure is a state of defenselessness.
Mistake 5: waiting for the prince on a white horse, sitting in an inaccessible tower
Only deeply religious women who believe that marriages are made in heaven can afford to rely on fate in meeting their future husband. But they too are guided by the biblical words: “Seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you.” This means that in order to meet your future husband, you need to at least leave the house.
Where to go depends on what kind of man is right for you. After all, you need to catch fish where they are found. And different men meet in different places.
The main question in a woman’s life is: “Why do I need a husband?”
This is where you need to start. From the definition of one of the main life coordinates in a woman’s life. Just let's immediately shift the focus from men themselves to RELATIONSHIPS. This is very important, fundamental, because in fact, we, women, are looking for a relationship in marriage in which we feel warm, cozy, reliable and SAFE.
Think about it - after all, a truly happy family consists of daily experienced FEELINGS and EMOTIONS, the kind in which you always want to be. And among these feelings, the first place is not all-consuming passion, not eternal romance, not unearthly delight in the eyes of a partner - all this, alas, passes.
What comes first for a woman?
Before reading further, dear ladies, think and try to answer yourself - just without rose-colored glasses. Especially if you are not yet thirty, when experience and wisdom inexorably lead a woman to the same conclusions as psychologists who specialize in family relationships.
The first place for any woman is RELIABILITY AND SECURITY of relationships.
A woman is always a potential mother. Nature has placed in her a complex of energies that are primarily aimed at caring for the offspring. At this time, a woman is very vulnerable, she needs security and stability in the situation. And such security for a woman is provided by her man.
This is precisely where a woman’s inexorable craving for a “strong man’s shoulder” comes from. But this subconscious craving, alas, plays a cruel joke on us.
Why?
Women, as a rule, have much less developed strategic thinking than men - and therefore, women, based on the search for a “shoulder,” very often experience a global imbalance in their brains. Which?
This is something that needs to be dealt with seriously.
Who are you, my betrothed, according to vectors?
But if you are used to thinking with your head, then knowledge of system-vector psychology will help you choose a husband with a guarantee. In a modern city, most people are polymorphs, that is, they have several vectors, different combinations of which set different life scenarios.
But this is not the only important thing. It is imperative to understand what states its vectors are in. After all, properties develop in their opposite. A man with an underdeveloped skin vector is a thief, gigolo and petty swindler, and a developed one is an inventor and lawmaker. A man with an underdeveloped visual vector is afraid of everything in the world, but a developed man knows how to love like no one else, and is ready to sacrifice his own life for love.
Before the wedding, we all try to behave a little better: to be nobler, stronger, more beautiful, smarter. This is a normal natural lie, which allows us to find a mate. After all, the dove swells and spreads its feathers in front of the dove. But it is important, even under the romantic veil of love, not to allow yourself to be deceived and to recognize its hidden sides even before the wedding.
Don't count on people to change - especially men!
Avoiding unsuitable candidates is no easy task. Because most of us are so hopeful for love and so rarely meet potential lovers along the way, many strive to take advantage of almost every romantic opportunity that comes their way.
Several years ago I was introduced to a nice girl who was fourteen years younger than me. I remember once hearing her say to a friend, “Steve is a great guy, he has so much to offer.” This was especially true of the young people who surrounded her. But it didn’t take long for her to see me in the best light—a mature, calm, financially reliable person.
During the “honeymoon” of our communication, it seemed to her that I was the embodiment of the best masculine qualities. But after a month, this young lady began to perceive me completely differently. My “maturity” began to remind her of “Daddy’s” behavior. I was no longer “calm” but “lazy, old and tired.” And “financial stability” turned into “stinginess” and “the pursuit of money.”
Looking back, I can say that the difference in age, interests and life goals made me a disastrous candidate for this girl. It is not surprising that after two months of communication we broke up.
Refer to the past
Think about your past relationships and the people you had them with, as well as the men who surround you. What qualities do you admire in them? What would you like to see in your husband? What would you definitely not want? Write down on a piece of paper 3 qualities of these people that you personally like and 3 that you would never accept in your future dream man.
One of my personal criteria when choosing a man was the absence of bad habits, especially smoking - I will not tolerate this under any circumstances, well, that’s my thing, “personal cockroach.” Think about what your man must have and what he definitely shouldn’t have? But don’t get carried away - a maximum of 3 points, otherwise your choice will be reduced too much, and you will only be able to find one in a fantasy land.
Next, analyze your current boyfriends - who fits these criteria? If the choice is small, think about where you can meet the one you need. It’s stupid to come to meet someone at the market, for example, and wait there to meet an aristocrat. Luck, of course, has not been canceled, but the chances are minimal.
And when you have decided on these points, do not lower your bar under any circumstances. After all, you only have three points in the pros and three in the cons! No matter how charming and handsome he is, he will have to undergo this initial face control. If he doesn’t suit you, then immediately, before you fall deeply in love, pass by, period. It is a huge stupidity to start a relationship with the wrong person and expect him to change and become suitable. He is an adult with his own unique set of qualities, and he did not come into this world to fit in and become comfortable for you. For someone else, it will be ideal in exactly the configuration that he has.
Of course, there are qualities that can be changed over time. But this is very difficult, and most often it fails. Is it worth it for you to waste your life and nerves on remaking another person? And how much you will ruin his nerves while you prove that he is not at all what he should be. More precisely, not the way YOU need. In this case, maybe it’s easier to look for more?
