According to scientific research, love lasts three years. It is during this period that grinding in and getting used to each other occurs. A similar thing happens with intimate life: at first you are exhausted with desire, disturb your neighbors’ sleep, enjoying each other as on your wedding night, and after a while the passion subsides.
It is then that your sex turns into a marital duty, and its regular absence intuitively makes it clear that there is a crisis in family relationships. Let's understand what marital duty entails, together with the Svadbaholik.ru portal.
What was it like right away?
Well, really, as usually happens in the first months of marriage, when the memories of a recently celebrated wedding have not yet had time to fade? In these carefree and happy days, it’s time to raise the issue of immoderate fulfillment of marital duty: young people want each other all the time and everywhere.
Alexandra, social teacher, 31 years old, Kemerovo:
— I remember with pleasure the first two years of my marriage. It was one continuous stream of positive emotions. My husband literally carried me in his arms, always made surprises and gave me pleasant gifts. Could I think that 5 years later I would literally be persuading him to have sex with me? Of course not. Moreover, I still did not understand the reason for his cooling towards intimacy, because in words he loves me as before, but in reality - in his eyes I do not see even a shadow of former passion and uncontrollable desire.
But, in principle, there is nothing to understand here: it is enough just to accept the fact that our feelings dull over time. Because of routine, which masterfully kills even the most vivid emotions. Because of the inevitable omissions and quarrels that accompany any interpersonal interaction. Due to the lack of new elements in life, without which even what once caused wild delight is not pleasing.
It is important to understand that dulling of feelings does not at all imply their slow but sure withering. And if the husband does not want his wife, then this is not at all a disaster and a reason for a scandal.
And most importantly: this is a completely reversible process - everything depends entirely on you.
Healthy sleep - separate sleep
Some people perceive separate sleep as a sign of an unhealthy relationship: the love has passed, the spouses are tired of each other. But this position is wrong. Scientists have proven that nights spent alone allow you to fully relax and restore physical and mental strength.
What prevents you from sleeping well?
- Snoring of one of the partners or restless sleep.
- Trying to share one blanket between two people.
- Different rhythms of life: when one spouse goes to bed and gets up much earlier than the other.
As a result, people wake up broken, and the couple accumulates irritation and dissatisfaction with each other. Common situation? And the problem is easily solved: it is enough to periodically sleep separately from your loved one.
Is there a norm?
The persistent desire to classify any aspect of human relations and, on the basis of this, to develop certain norms is the lot of experts, but not ordinary people.
For married men and women, everything is quite simple: if you want, love. Or don't love if you don't want to.
This happens quite often, and then wives begin to wonder how many times a week a husband should have sex with them. They look for answers from their friends, tirelessly attack women's forums, where the vast majority of registered users are the same know-nothing and confused ladies with a question mark on their faces.
Valentin Ivanovich Vysotsky, sexologist, professor at the First Moscow State Medical University. I.M. Sechenov:
— Regular sex helps keep a woman’s vitality in a consistently high position. In addition, sexual activity is also directly related to the normal functioning of metabolism in the body and helps prevent the occurrence of skin diseases. There is no need to talk about mood: a woman who has no problems with intimacy and often gets natural and strong orgasms is distinguished by a good mood, friendliness, and a healthy complexion. Of course, it would be wrong to force spouses into a narrow framework of norms, but in general, full-fledged sex once a week is the necessary minimum that medicine relies on. If sex happens much more often, then it’s good for your health: as long as you have enough strength. But less often - this is already an alarm bell. Did you hear him? Take action! For a man, it is generally recommended to have sex, the more often the better. 4 times a week from 25 to 40 – optimal!
Separate sleep: pros and cons
As it turned out, not always. But I in no way encourage all married couples to move into different rooms. If you sleep well, and your peacefully snoring husband touches you, then you don’t need to change anything.
Remember that your task is to be calm and rested. And if you sacrifice your quality sleep, nothing good will happen. Don't be led by stereotypes about sharing a marital bed. Instead, focus your energy on maintaining tenderness and love in your marriage.
What determines the regularity of fulfilling marital duties?
Expert advice is, of course, always professional and useful. But they are often of a general nature and do not at all take into account the numerous nuances that fill the life of spouses together. Let's list the most common ones:
- age - it is logical to assume that the older a man is, the less often he can rely on a full erection and fulfill his marital duty;
- busy - there are often cases when husbands go on business trips or are busy at work until late;
- physical condition - when a person suffers a serious illness, it is logical that he has no time to fulfill his marital duty;
- the nature of the relationship - if you nag your spouse with or without reason, then it is not surprising that he will fulfill his marital duty rarely and with great reluctance;
- fidelity - a sharp cooling towards intimacy, coupled with some suspicious factors, may signal your husband’s infidelity, already actual or just assumed, when the passion has already formed, but has not yet found practical expression;
- disappointment - the same position, the same underwear, the same time and place can finally turn anyone away from sex for a long time.
Among the listed signs, did you find any that are relevant to you? If your husband does not fulfill his marital duty as often as you want, but for obvious reasons - for example, hard work, regular trips - then we recommend that you either understand your spouse or persuade him to change jobs. There is no third. But in other cases, you should thoroughly delve into yourself, because the fact that your husband is losing interest in this process is your direct fault:
- failed to regularly update your sexy image;
- stopped pleasing your spouse with new forms of sexual contact;
- turned sex into a routine rather than an adventure.
The most temperamental readers probably flared up after these words: what about him, shouldn’t he?
This is the main mistake of a woman as a keeper of the family hearth: the habit of avoiding responsibility.
Even if both are to blame, the situation will still not begin to be resolved until at least one of them takes responsibility and makes every effort to improve it for the better. After all, you are interested in how many times a week your husband should have intimate contact with you, right? This means that your personal interest is the best motivator for a constructive approach to solving a problem. Try to surprise your husband in bed - there are plenty of ways to do it!
Reasons that destroy attachment
No matter how trivial it may be, everything in a family is interconnected: there will be no respect and trust, the beloved will not be able to fully reveal her potential as an ardent lover, and vice versa, a sexually dissatisfied husband, ignored by his wife, is unlikely to want to show zeal in improving social status. Why do people grow cold towards each other?
— Ignoring obligations. Traditionally, in a Russian family, the responsibility for material maintenance is assumed by the man, while the woman is responsible for the home and raising children. With the advent of absolute equality, men increasingly began to avoid responsibility for financially providing for the family, and women, on the contrary, in a hurry to build a career, put off having children, and do not strive to create home comfort.
- Busy at work. In some families, the desire of one of the spouses to endlessly improve the comfort of life and acquire new furnishings goes beyond the bounds of reason. Hence the endless business trips, delays until late at night at work and, as a result, a lack of attention to the other half, rejection of intimate life.
— Disagreements in housekeeping. Often married couples reproach each other for ignoring daily, household obligations. Wives accuse their spouses of unwillingness to perform men's duties - nailing a nail, fixing a water pipe. Husbands complain about the mess and their spouse's poor cooking skills. But more often it happens that household chores, including caring for children, fall entirely on the shoulders of women, and husbands spend their evenings in front of screens or in the company of friends.
- Living conditions. It's hard to imagine rough sex when your parents are sleeping in the next room. Attempts to behave as quietly and modestly as possible ultimately lead to quick, crumpled intimacy, or the spouses completely refuse intimacy. Things are even worse when the living space is limited to one room where grown-up children are located. Here we can talk about causing psychological trauma.
- Appearance. Even in the beginning of a relationship, we are especially attracted to our partner’s appearance. And years later, we want to see our lovers fit and well-groomed. A beautiful woman always arouses her husband’s sexual desire, and a man’s athletic body will not leave his husband indifferent. But in the realities of home life, we often see a beer belly and a washed-out robe on a plump figure.
— Oppression of rights and freedoms. There are many cases when in families one of the spouses takes decisions on all important issues onto himself, without respecting or accepting the opinions of the other, sometimes resorting to violent actions of a moral and physical nature. In such situations, you cannot do without outside help.
What do other wives say?
Polina Vlasova, housewife, 34 years old:
- How many times a week should a husband, hmm, be a man? What a stupid question. My husband usually does this on weekends. Saturday and Sunday. It turns out that 2 times a week. Not enchanting, of course, but his work schedule leaves no other time for intimacy. In principle, everything suits me. It's not about quantity, but about quality. Too frequent sex threatens premature saturation, but here it seems like a balance or some semblance of it.
Alla Mikheeva, head of marketing service of an IT company:
— In order to raise the issue head-on, you need to stipulate this in advance in the marriage contract. And since there is no agreement, then, as they say, there is no demand either. But seriously, I am not for quantity, but for quality. Sometimes even once a couple of weeks is enough for me to flutter like a butterfly. And I would advise all those women who demand from their husbands a certain regularity in the fulfillment of their marital duty to read more books - everything is written there. At the same time, new interests will appear.
Anna Konstantinovna Petrenko, pensioner, 59 years old:
— My husband is already 64 years old. You understand that at this age you no longer have to talk about any kind of regular sex. However, contact occurs at least 2-3 times a month. Usually it all depends on desire. This was the case with us in our younger years.
It turns out that the question posed in the title of this article simply does not make sense, and the main determining factor is a successful combination of three factors:
- your sexual desire;
- husband's sexual appetite;
- availability of free time.
Do you manage to have sex all day long? We hasten to congratulate you! Do you manage to have sex only once a week? Well, if you are happy this time, then why sound the alarm and look up to your friends who tirelessly brag about the sexual activity of their husbands? Well, or try to make your husband fall in love with you again - then everything will definitely be like in the first days of your acquaintance.
How not to move away from each other?
Do not worry. Emotional and spiritual intimacy consists of several components. There are a thousand and one ways to preserve family idyll and passion. Here are just a few of them.
Anchoring positive emotions. I came up with this technique for girls who want to make family life harmonious and prevent conflicts. Your task, my beautiful ones, is to behave in such a way that your presence, your gestures and words evoke only positivity in a man. Let him always feel peace and happiness at home.
"Women's Radio". Remove the constant grumbling and complaints once and for all, tune in to a different wave. And then your spouse will have a lot of strength to achieve goals and self-development. This means that he will definitely reach even greater heights. By the way, I write about how to properly motivate a man here.
A game of cat and mouse. Intrigue, flirt with your man. And then distance yourself. And you can start this game by sleeping separately. I'm sure this will definitely benefit your family.
Dear girls, share your opinion in the comments, should spouses sleep separately? If you are already practicing, tell us what has changed in your relationship with your husband.
Are there any benefits to co-sleeping?
If you read the previous arguments, you might be under the impression that co-sleeping ruins marriages and sleeping apart is the solution to all problems. But that's not true. Those who sleep in the same bed decrease K. Richter, S. Adam, L. Geiss, et al. Two in a bed: The influence of couple sleeping and chronotypes on relationship and sleep. An overview / Chronobiology International the production of cortisol, the stress hormone, and the production of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the hormone of trust and affection, on the contrary, increases.
Men suffering from obstructive sleep apnea are less responsive to treatment if their spouses go into another room at night. And their wives, contrary to expectations, also do not get enough sleep, J. Ulfberg, N. Carter, M. Talback, Ch. Edling. Adverse health effects among women living with heavy snorers / Health Care for Women International because they are worried about their husbands or they are simply uncomfortable sleeping alone.
In addition, some psychologists consider A. Lashbrook. It's Time to Embrace the Sleep Divorce / Elemental / Medium that sleeping together makes relationships closer, deeper and more trusting.
How did the idea of sleeping separately come about?
It would be better to do it differently. How did the idea arise that a married couple must sleep in the same bed, and even under the same blanket? Researcher Neil Stanley resembles N. Stanley. How to sleep well: the science of sleeping smarter, living better and being productive / Google Books that initially this was a necessary measure: people lived in large families, and a sleeping place for everyone was an unaffordable luxury.
In aristocratic circles, where they could afford separate rooms, spouses slept, lived and received guests in different halves of the house. And in the highly moral Victorian era, sleeping in the same bed even began to be considered something indecent, so husband and wife separated into twin beds.
And this trend lasted almost until the middle of the 20th century. But then, as a result of industrialization, people moved into small city apartments, and attitudes towards marital sleep changed again. We now consider J. Hislop. A bed of roses or a bed of thorns? Negotiating the couple relationship through sleep / Sociological Research Online, a joint night's rest is a symbol of a strong marriage and we choose it even at the expense of our own comfort.
