Delaying first sex until your wedding night can be a very rare occurrence. Although choosing to remain a virgin until marriage is the right choice, but unfortunately, it often comes with some judgment, different assumptions and very little understanding about sexual intercourse. It's hard, so most likely you have questions, concerns, or just interest.
This article contains some stories and quotes (anonymous, of course) from girls who postponed sex until marriage. First sex is a serious matter!
#2 This is normal, healthy and your body is made for this
It's not dirty. Sex is not wrong.
“In the run-up to our wedding, I wasn’t particularly excited about sex. This was partly because we didn't limit our sexual activity, and partly definitely because my upbringing made me anxious about sex. In the back of my mind it still felt “wrong.”
“Instead of analyzing these feelings and agreeing with them, I just ignored them completely. In the crazy days leading up to the wedding, there was plenty to worry about. And then in the morning when my husband mentioned that we would have sex that night, I panicked a little. I actually had to pull one of my girlfriends aside and tell her how terrified I was. (She was obviously completely baffled by this attitude, but still gave me good advice to pull myself together and calm down).”
“If I had to go through it again, I would definitely take the week before the wedding to start having sex. I would spend a lot of time convincing myself that sex is good and positive and it will be fun. I think it would help a lot."
#5 Yes, the first time can be terrible.
He can be awkward. It may not seem very good. It may even be painful. This doesn't mean you're doing it wrong! He will get better over time. Doing something for the first time is scary and usually uncomfortable. (Remember to take things slow and gentle and communicate. If it gets too painful, move on to other things).
“What helped me was that I didn’t have crazy expectations of unicorns and fireworks.” I knew the sex would get better over time, and we knew each other so well that we could laugh at awkward or painful moments. And the improvement didn't take as long as I thought. It was actually a lot harder to get back into it after having a baby than it was to adjust to newlywed life, so I think that waiting period before marriage prepared us for other times in life when sex has to be put on hold.”
“To be honest, there were tears of disappointment for both of us right after that. Our first time wasn't too terrible - awkward at best, but it wasn't the one everyone was talking about. The general feeling was: “Is this all?” Luckily, with time and practice, as well as less self-consciousness and a little more self-confidence, things got a lot better - and just kept getting better! Now, after almost six years of marriage and dealing with the added challenges of the third trimester of pregnancy, I can happily say that our sex life continues to improve every time."
“It wasn't great. He was on top and we have since learned that I feel much better when I am on top. However, we realized this literally the next week. We had sex every day of our honeymoon and I think by the time we got back we had really come a long way in figuring out what was right for us. So it wasn't like we had terrible sex for months and months and our honeymoon suffered because of it. We found out what worked! It was fun! And cherished honeymoon memories will always revolve around the morning we spent trying to figure out how to have sex in our tiny hotel shower stall.”
“It was great, painful and really special. I was prepared for some discomfort, but I was surprised that the pain remained a couple of days later. We had a three-day honeymoon and I think we only had sex two or three times because I was in so much pain.”
“You can wait until your wedding night to have sex for the first time, or you can have the most physically perfect Cosmo-style sex on your wedding night, but I don’t think it’s going to be both. The first time sex will not be physically perfect, it will not be the sex you dreamed about and read about in idealized erotica. It's always awkward to figure out how this all happens, and it's usually a little painful for the woman. But physical perfection in sex often eludes even the most experienced couples. And it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter AT ALL. The awkwardness isn't a big deal. This must be the person you love! Laugh at it (did I mention that laughing is the sexiest thing you can do in bed?). Focus on your emotional connection and how this new physical intimacy signifies your new commitment. It's foolish to pursue perfection, but I'd be lying if I said that moments of infinitely perfect emotional connection couldn't be achieved on your wedding night, no matter your sexual experience."
#6 But he can also be amazing
Not expecting more is one thing, but don’t start with fear!
“What surprised me was the incredible bonding experience. There was something special about going through such a significant public event, surrounded by our friends and family, and then having an equally significant yet intimate personal event between the two of us. After that, I didn't want to stop touching my husband at all. I just felt very close to him. It was a completely unexpected but amazing benefit from waiting until the wedding night to have sex.”
“It was one of the most vulnerable, somewhat uncomfortable and emotional moments of my life. I knew I was with the right guy when my ridiculous scream-laughing follow-up reaction didn't bother him. It was truly worth the wait, and now that I've been married for a few months (by the way, we both fell asleep straight away on our wedding night because it was a long night of dancing!), I can see the positive impact that came from my wait. I will never know how it would have been otherwise, but I am grateful every day that I preserved myself all these years.”
How to prepare for defloration
If you are still a virgin and are thinking about your wedding night with excitement or even fear, our recommendations will also help you cope with your emotions. The pain during defloration that you fear can be minimal if you psychologically prepare for this moment correctly. Therefore, do not listen to the scary stories that more experienced friends will so willingly try to share with you. On your wedding night, ask your husband to be especially gentle and help you relax. When it comes down to it, to avoid any discomfort during your first sexual intercourse, take one of the following positions and let your husband lead your love duet:
- Lie on your back, place a small pillow under your buttocks, bend your knees and pull your legs towards your chest. This position is recommended as the best for losing virginity on the first wedding night, since in this position the hymen is stretched and its rupture causes only short-term pain.
- Lie across the bed with your feet on the floor. The husband should stand between your thighs and, leaning on his outstretched arms, insert his penis into the vagina. In this position, the hymen also ruptures quickly and without much pain.
There is usually some bleeding after defloration. It should pass quickly, but it is better to refrain from repeated sexual acts so that the wound heals. You can express your feelings through caresses and kisses. And after a few days you can “repeat what has been done”, no longer experiencing any fear. Don't be upset if you don't manage to experience an orgasm on your first night, because to achieve it you need to relax as much as possible and be well aware of how your body reacts to certain caresses. Such knowledge will come in a few months. But it is quite possible to get pregnant on your wedding night. So, if you do not plan to have a child immediately after marriage, take care of contraception.
We hope that our tips and recommendations will help you. Although, frankly speaking, there is no ready-made script or recipe for what exactly a girl should do on the first night after the wedding. And this is for the best, because it is your own ideas and fantasies that will help turn it into something unforgettable. Most importantly, remember that the first wedding night is preceded by a day full of troubles and events. Therefore, it is important not to overwork, not to get carried away with strong drinks, and to take care of yourself and your husband in order to be able to bring your ideas to life. Let your first wedding night be unforgettable and unique!
#7 Talk before it happens
Sometimes there is such a worry that if you intend to wait, you are always over the precipice of casual sex if you mention the word "sex" or kiss someone too roughly, or who knows what else. But starting a conversation about sex is important. Yes, yes, you will do this for the first time on your wedding night (or the next day if you're really tired), but this shouldn't be the first time you start communicating about it. Talk about things related to sexual intercourse. Start discussing sex now.
“I had always planned to wait until marriage, so sex and our expectations around it was actually something we had talked about before and discussed often in our relationship. All these boundaries, what we will or won't do, are all good practice for future conversations after marriage about meeting each other's needs, frequency, what we like, etc. We talked a lot more about sex and intimate things during the engagement period, and it was also part of our premarital counseling, which was helpful.”
“We took the 'Hermione approach' to the problem - we went to the library and the Internet and read about it. So we found a book that explained the anatomical process and common problems, but in more detail than ever before, and read it together. One thing the book talked about was that the first time can be painful for a woman, and therefore, she needs to keep in mind that her pain is the last thing her husband wants. Keeping this in mind can help you mentally help make sex more relaxing.”
Traditions and signs of the first wedding night in Rus'
The wedding night of newlyweds has always been of great importance; it is a sacrament that influences future family life. Modern couples are not averse to returning to traditions at wedding celebrations, but the signs and rules of the wedding night have been forgotten. To spend your first time as husband and wife correctly, as our ancestors revered, you need to follow traditions. This is done so that family life develops well, there is harmony and comfort in the house.
Moderate drinking and eating. After a good feast and festivities, the bride and groom want to relax, which completely ruined the wedding night. Therefore, low-fat dishes were prepared separately for the newlyweds. And instead of meat, they served chicken to give strength and also help conceive a healthy child.
On the first wedding night, physical intimacy must take place; it was believed that this is what makes the newlyweds husband and wife. Therefore, other people dealt with organizational issues. And the bride and groom were supposed to enjoy and relax
Previously, relatives and guests escorted the newlyweds to the bed with jokes and songs, after which the sacrament of the two took place. According to signs, only the groom’s mother or godmother could see the bed and touch the bedding; they must also prepare the room. No one else could cross the threshold
In Rus', along with the dowry, the girl was given a shirt for her wedding night, since a wedding outfit could collect bad energy from guests and friends who were jealous of their happiness. It was embroidered with amulets against evil spirits.
Before the young people enter the room, it must be consecrated. It was recommended that the mother-in-law clean the corners. A boiled or wooden egg was placed under the bed and left for three days - this is necessary for the happiness of the young
Most of the signs and traditions in modern Russia are not observed or are imitated in order to pay tribute.
#8…and talk about it during the process
“Talk a lot. A lot. What works, what doesn't, how you feel. Stick to the theme, of course. (I once made the mistake during sex of asking what my husband would wear to dinner). But, if you're just starting to have sex for the first time, you'll need to talk about it first. In the end, you'll both be better at choosing subtle phrases, reading cues, and intuitively knowing what your partner likes best. Just don’t expect it to happen naturally without saying a word.”
“It may take a while before you figure out how to suggest sex, how to gently put your partner down, how to talk about sex. I think what caught us both off guard was that we hadn't talked about sex before, and it took a while to learn how to talk about it."
Preparation on the part of the bride
Every girl wants to look beautiful and royal on her wedding day, starting to prepare for the event several months in advance: visiting salons, thinking through hairstyle, makeup, overall image, and jewelry. A lot of effort goes into getting your body in order and losing weight. In addition, you need to take care of the first privacy with your husband:
- Choose wedding lingerie, usually white sets with lace, put on stockings, which should please the groom.
- Take care of personal hygiene.
- Prepare cosmetics and hairpins. In the morning you will also want to look good, so you will have to straighten your hair.
- Think over the elements of temptation; any man is happy to add variety. It is important not to overdo it; surprise should be pleasant.
#9 Differences in your experience can be an unexpected cause for concern.
Hint: Talk about it.
“I learned early in my relationship that the gift of the first time was not what we both wanted. No matter how many times I told myself that his past was his past and focused on us, I couldn't help but think about other women. About how unfair it was that he knew that he, without a doubt, was the first one I trusted with this part of me, while I had to fight the competition of his distant past. This reaction shocked me because years earlier I had intellectually accepted that I probably wouldn't marry a virgin and was willing to accept that. But that was not the case. I understood that it would be emotional. So we expected everything. We argued a little. We decided that open and honest communication was the only way to move forward and agreed that waiting required us to continue to talk about our feelings. And we talked. Luckily, he understood and supported me and my feelings. Over time, I came to terms with his past choices (and my own internal shock that bothered me).”
#11 Don't use too much force on your wedding night
Agree with your partner to start the process slowly and just see where you end up. In fact, you might be too tired.
“Another thing people said I didn’t understand until it happened to me. It's incredibly FATIGUE on your wedding night. If we had sex before, we absolutely would not have had this night. I was completely exhausted. Combined with the fact that I was already a little scared of it, being so tired, I had absolutely no desire to have sex that night. My husband was definitely looking forward to it a lot more than I was, but he was very patient and understanding and said we didn't have to do it if I didn't want to. But we ended up taking a shower together, which really relaxed me, and then I put on my underwear and we got there.”
“If you end up unable to have sex and fall asleep on your wedding night, it's not the end of the world. You can sleep in each other's arms and then have morning sex on the first day of your marriage (perhaps after a shower). Especially if this is your first time with so much physical contact or sharing a night in the same bed with your partner, you can be content with each other's nudity and just let your hands explore bodies that first night. There's no need to rush into sex without taking the time to fully enjoy all the intermediate steps along the way. What most people call foreplay, these activities deserve to be the main event for a while. They are pleasant in themselves, and not just as a precursor to sexual intercourse. There's nothing wrong with taking your time."
How to behave and what to do
It's only natural that you dream of spending your wedding night in some fabulous location, such as an ancient European castle on the shore of a lake or a luxurious honeymoon suite in a luxury hotel. It will be wonderful if your dream comes true. But if after the wedding banquet you return to your apartment, where everything is familiar to you down to the smallest detail, there is no need to be upset or feel sorry for yourself: a bad mood is not the best companion for the most romantic night. Even an ordinary city apartment can turn into a wonderful love nest (just remember that the nest where your wedding night takes place is designed for only two people: there should be no strangers in the apartment).
Many newlyweds spend much of their wedding night examining wedding gifts and counting money. We don’t argue, we really can’t wait to find out what your relatives and friends have given you. But think about what memories you want to keep from your wedding night? Therefore, you should not hastily tear open the bright packaging or take out banknotes from glossy envelopes. On a night like this, it's better to show a different kind of impatience.
Rose petals, scented candles, silk bed linen are pleasant, but still optional attributes of this night. Of course, if you want, you can place a heart of flower petals on the bed or use candles to plunge the room into a mysterious twilight. But, by and large, you can easily do without such surroundings. But what a girl really needs to do is prepare beautiful and sexy underwear. The set can be complemented with a transparent peignoir and stockings with a lace belt.
Take care of your appearance too. Even the most durable makeup can “float” after a wedding banquet. Therefore, do not be lazy and update it, and your husband will definitely appreciate your efforts. Ask your loved one to help you undress. This will spur his sexual desire. Quiet music can play in the background, preferably without words, so that nothing distracts you from the most important thing. And the rose petals scattered on the bed can be replaced with a bouquet of your favorite flowers in an elegant vase.
You may want to appear before your husband in a completely new image: for example, turn into a femme fatale or a gentle angel. However, a radical change of image can be risky; after all, the wedding night is not the right time for such experiments. If you are nervous, save them for later, and that night stay in your usual “role”: this way you will behave naturally.
Offer your husband light snacks, preferably fruit or seafood. Why seafood? The fact is that seafood is considered an aphrodisiac, i.e. to products that enhance sexual desire. Chilled champagne or light white wine will be the perfect accompaniment to appetizers. You can ask your husband to feed you, or, conversely, feed him yourself. Let this innocent game help you relieve stress and relax after an eventful and exciting day.
Taking a bath together will also help you get rid of nervous tension before your wedding night. Add a little foam with a subtle pleasant smell to the water and invite your husband to soak in the jacuzzi together. By the way, you can take wine and snacks with you. Give your husband a massage. Run your fingers over his body from neck to ankles. Massage your shoulders and back. Stroke your inner thighs. Touch your lips to its most sensitive places. This massage is easy to do and can be both relaxing and very sensual. Be sure to tell your husband how much you love him and how happy you are to have him around.
In addition, we recommend that you give your husband a small gift. Which one? It's up to you and only you to decide. Of course, not everyone can afford to give an expensive sports car or Swiss watch as a surprise gift. But the best gifts are those that are made with love and from the heart. This is what makes them something special. And your first night is a great opportunity to express your feelings once again.
Do you and your loved one have nothing against erotic role-playing games? Then arrange a “theater of two actors” this night. If you choose your favorite game, we advise you to come up with some unexpected plot twist secretly from your husband. A small change in the script will add extra spice to the game, and your loved one will be pleasantly surprised. And, of course, you can invite him to try something new - on the wedding night it is not forbidden to behave the way you want.
